I should thank you for the reminder that I’ve been through enough in my life to not allow your selfishness to affect me as I initially thought it would. A fine line exists between selfishness and self care, which you blurred, and I began to back down and step away the moment you used the word “blame” in regards to me developing feelings for you. You see, though, actions speak louder than words.
You told me you weren’t ready for a relationship, but showed me everything I thought I ever deserved without asking for it. How could you blame me for falling for that? At the same time, I can’t blame you. I can’t blame you for attaching yourself to my independence. I can’t put you at fault for seeing stability, openness, and empathy that you needed in such a fragile time in your life. It’s almost a compliment that you saw it fit to drink from my well, because you knew I could handle the inevitable let down you would be to me in the end.
Alternatively, I credit your soul. Yours is so very old. I saw it in you. I saw you. I saw someone that needs to be alone in order to completely know themselves. You, however, are not ready for that. For your soul is old, but your self-assurance is lacking. I do not believe you truly know how to be alone, and that makes me believe you do not really know who you are. You have goals, and dreams, and plans that were extraordinary – that I will always respect. At the same time, you are lost in drive. The more I saw that, the more I knew to back away from you, and the more it killed me to do so – because I already fell for you. I fell so hard.
You told me you don’t believe things happen for a reason, but after our last conversation, I must disagree. In fact, I should thank you. Thank you for showing me everything I want and deserve, and everything I will not – and should not – tolerate. Thank you for reminding me how to feel, because it reopened a vault inside of my soul that inspired me to write again. You gave me something to pour into, you inspired me to write more, you inspired me to put colors back into my world. This experience broke the monotony of my existence and reminded me that I am an artist, and I am a creator.
Thank you for making love to me, and for stopping it when you saw me starting to love you. I do not believe, however, that you were, in anyway, protecting my emotions when you said we needed to back off each other. Your intentions were to do what was in your best interests without the regard of my emotions, and blocking mine out was an effective way to just protect yourself. That, my dear boy, is where the line of selfishness and self care blurs. Doing what is best for you is best done alone. I will miss you. I will miss our late conversations about the world, and I will always think about your eyes – the laughing, deep, soulful eyes that spoke louder than you ever could. That depth, I hope, to find in another.