This is part one to my story, my childhood and the early years of my addiction when I did not know or believe that what I was doing was wrong and was not normal.
When I was younger, I never really felt like I fit in. I remember always trying to be like the others girls. I would dress like them, do my hair like theirs, and even based all my decision making on what I thought they would do. I never actually felt comfortable in my own skin. I had an amazing childhood, I was brought up in a large, loving, Italian family, where everyone was extremely close and got along perfectly. I was also the odd one out or “black sheep” when it came to my family. I acted out, threw tantrums, screamed and yelled if I didn’t get my way, and eventually pushed my family away to hang out with my friends. Little did I know, that I was demonstrating “addict behavior” at such a young age.
Yes I was showing signs of “addict behavior” since the age of 9, but I did not touch any sort of mood altering substance until I was 12 years old. This is when I found alcohol and marijuana. The first time I ever had a drink, I was taking shots of vodka at a close childhood friend’s house. I ended up blacking out, throwing up all over myself, fell down a flight of stairs, and allegedly had to have her older brother and his friends throw me into the shower…naked, at 12 years old. I did not remember that night, but I do remember waking up and thinking that I couldn’t wait to do it again (even after finding out that 4 older boys saw me completely naked covered in throw up). I achieved a sense of calmness when I drank, and soon after found the same feeling by smoking weed.
Usually, starting to use mind altering substances at such a young age will eventually lead to more hardcore drugs in your future. My family warned me but I did not care. I always remember idolizing the bad kids in movies, thinking it was cool to skip school and smoke cigarettes, so the “druggie” life seemed exciting to me.
By the age of 15 I started experimenting with pills and it wasn’t long until I found my first love…cocaine. From the second I snorted my first line of coke I knew I found my “drug of choice”. It was perfect for a young teenage girl. It made me outgoing, kept me up at parties, neutralized my drinking, and most importantly kept me skinny. This love affair lasted all through both my high school and college careers. During high school my friends always knew exactly what bathroom I would be in, at exactly what time, and they would come just to score a line from me.
During my teenage years I always preferred coke over pills, but that all changed when my boyfriend of 2 years died in a tragic car accident. I was 17 years old, lost the only person I have ever loved (up until that point at least), and I didn’t know where to turn. A mutual friend handed me a xanex during his wake and right away I knew this was some sort of miracle drug that just made you happy and erased all pain from your life…or so I thought. It wasn’t long until I was popping 4-6 full xanex bars a day and living in a complete black out. I wouldn’t know what day it was, I wouldn’t remember seeing people, I turned into a legitimate zombie girl who eventually no one in school wanted anything to do with. Fortunately, a few months passed and my pill phase seemed to be over. At this point in my life my parents were convinced that I may have a drug problem, but since I put down the xanex cold turkey, completely on my own, I convinced myself that it was proof that I did not have a drug problem at all, even though I was still using heavy amounts of coke, weed, and just discovered acid, ecstasy and mushrooms. I convinced myself that it was all in good fun and that I was young and one day will grow out of my bad girl phase… wrong again.
I am still alive and well, but my story does not end here… Love, C.M.S.